Dear World,
Hey. You caught me on an off day to be honest. I´m okay, really. I mean classes are fine, the weekend was good, and nothing is wrong at home. I mean come on, tonight
¡Mira Quien Baila! is on-life can´t get much better than that! :)
Nah, it´s just that last night I got a little down and haven´t really recovered since. See, last night it hit me that I have only a few more weeks here, and I got kind of bummed about it.
I was talking to Feli about how time has just flown by and how, these next few weeks until I fly back are going to go by even faster because there is so much to do that will occupy my thoughts and time. I didn´t realize that it was coming up so quickly though. 6 weeks from today I will be on a plane somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. That´s pretty hard to think about after living and adapting to a place for so long.
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Let´s be honest for a minute, I came here almost reluctantly.
I was miserable the first few weeks. I practically lived at the internet cafe trying desperately to try to keep in contact with "home", with all that I knew and was familiar with. True, there were circumstances that made it even harder for me to leave home than it would have been had things been just normal. It´s fair to say that I was pretty low my first couple weeks. Feli remembered it too and she said that she was glad that I have adapted so well since then.
I thought about all that I have seen and done since I got here on January 4th. More than that, I thought of how different I am than when I got here. The person who stepped off the plane in Granada isn´t the same person that will land at PDX. No, if that were the case, I would be disappointed because it is precisely these types of experiences that are supposed to push you and make you that proverbial "better, stronger person". It will be very interesting for me to see how my family and friends see me now.
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The other day I watched
The Motorcycle Diaries. I had seen it before and loved it, it´s one of my favorite movies, but this time it seemed like it held more meaning for me.
In so many ways I am like the protagonist. Traveling, in a way, just to travel. Searching for insight on the world...meeting new people...and gaining perspective.
It seems to me more and more that life is a series of interactions with other people and places which consequently mold and shape us. What we see and experience influences our constant evolution in one direction or another, and the impact that my time in Europe has had on me is becoming more and more apparent to me. In so many ways I don´t recognize myself. I think differently, act differently, dress differently. Approach the world in a way that I didn´t before I came.
We are constantly changing, there is no doubt in my mind about that, but somehow this time away has sped up the metamorphosis of me.
It both scares and excites me.
I now know what I want and why I want it. I am not indecisive as I once was. I can pinpoint things that I like and don´t like, that are fun or boring, that I care about, that are a part of me.
It sounds so trivial, but when you take a step back and look at how many people are influenced primarily by outside sources and only very little by their inner self-knowledge, do you realize how much you want to keep what you know about yourself and let that guide your thoughts and decisions instead of letting others and society do it for you.
We´re always doing that proverbial "searching for ourselves" it seems, because we are always changing and therefore will never be able to "find ourselves". Because the very next second after we find it, part of us will have changed. Sort of like a theory a good friend of mine has that you can´t hold onto life. You can´t--he´s right--and it´s useless to try.
The movie...just makes sense to me. I have experienced so much and because of that, many views of mine have been challenged or formed in just a few months. In some ways I ask myself what I will think of Portland and my life back there now but am not too worried about my response. I haven´t been away
that long I hope. :)
I don´t know. There was something there. Something that I had to share just to share. Perhaps no one understands.
But...perhaps someone does.
In the meantime, I don't want to think about Portland or my new apartment (yes, I have a new apartment!) or anything that has to do with not being here. I need to live
this moment,
this today.
I still have classes to attend, exams to take, certificates to obtain. I still have 42 glorious days in Spain and I intend to enjoy them and savor every moment. I won't have this again for a long time.
I am going to walk home now. Through the streets that for the past 4 months have watched me grow up. Past the old man with the bad eye that always stands on the corner of Matias and Santiago and watches people go by, rain or shine, and is always prepared with an umbrella. Past the cute dog that sleeps in front of the nearby bar. Past the
panaderia where the owner, a cute little older woman, sits and chats with her friend amid the intoxicating smell of fresh bread. Past the people who are walking home, to the store, to the bars, to downtown. Past all those people who all have some story to tell, something to offer the world, to offer me, even if it´s not "that much" or "that obvious".
I´ll look at all of it and think to myself how different I would have been had I not come here and seen for myself.
Marisa
