the clock is ticking

i have 27 days until i go back to portland.


i wish that somehow i could explain how i'm feeling about this. the pros, the cons, the expectations, the worries, the excitement, the tension, the complete and total happy mess of feelings i have about going back.


but i can't.

i'm not sure even i understand it.


i was walking on the street today and i saw this one internet cafe. it was the first internet cafe that i went into in granada. i remember the emails that i wrote and who they were for, which computer i used, how i felt as i typed away...i can remember all the circumstances surrounding that evening that seems like yesterday but really was quite a long time ago. almost 5 months.


sometimes i think of home and all that is implied with that word and "going back" and i get super excited. thinking about my apartment and how i get to decorate it and all that good stuff. i think of french toast and pancakes, dried fruit that doesn't masquerade as nuts, driving, the radio, the dollar, my family, so many things to be excited about. in a few months, back to school and friends and everything will return to normal.

sometimes, i have a little regret about leaving too. i think back to the first few weeks where i was practically paralyzed with doubt, confusion, and everything in between. i wish that i had done things sooner or done more of this or that, but i can't beat myself up too much. i have seen and done so much and i am happy with that.

it is time to move on. this was an experience to have, but it has to end just like everything ends ineveitably. there are new experiences waiting in the future and it's just a matter of time before i find myself getting into something new and exciting that i will think is super cool and challenging.

in the meantime, i am left with my mixed feelings and my memories of all that has happened. i am left with 27 days in europe.

27.

27.



i can't believe it.