A little homesick...

Earlier this evening I was feeling a little down...

It finally hit me that here I am.


Here I am.


Here I am 9 time zones away from all that I know and understand. On my own in a very big world. I am not as invincible as I once was.

You get all wrapped up in the novelty of it all but somewhere along the way you find yourself crying over a Sudoku puzzle as you think of all that you left behind. You then end up reprimanding yourself for feeling down; this is the opportunity of a lifetime and you´re crying over it? WTF?

Yes, you cry over it when you make a phone call home that makes you act all tough when inside all you want to do is say how much you miss home. You cry when you think about that couple you saw walking in the street holding hands and how cute they were and how happy they must be. You cry because you feel so alone, slightly forgotten, and incapable of meeting new people.

To be honest, that is the biggest problem right now. I am having a hard time making friends. I know that it´s the beginning, that it´s not just me who feels this way, and that it is bound to be awkward. It just feels like the whole world has something in common that I lack. Why not me too? Why am I the odd one out?

It´s not that I´m not trying. I am trying hard. Really, I am. I push myself more than I want to because I want the end result: to make friends.

I know that it´s only been a few days, but somehow I already am starting to feel defeated.

I don´t know. I, for some reason, have never been good at this. At meeting people and taking it from there. Why is it so hard?

And see, the thing is that it hurts.

It hurts to walk by yourself in a group. To stand by yourself or try and join some conversation, however mundane or stupid it may be. It hurts to be ostracized. We learned about this in social psych. When you are ignored, there are some basic needs that are trampled on and disregarded and thus that is what makes you feel bad. It hurts a lot.

I know I don´t need anyone here to approve of me. I know that I have people back home who know me already and who I don´t have to prove anything to. Who love me and think that I am cool and interesting even if I am slightly goofy at times. But that only dulls the pain.

I am here now with this group of people who, to a point, define my world. Some part of me says to just go for it. To say f*** it and just sign up for that dance class by myself, to go to a cafe I want to see by myself, to face this city head on and not worry if anyone´s with me...it is easier said than done.

Already this trip has me asking myself, "Who am I?", "What do I stand for?" and "How will I present myself to others?". Will I compromise myself just to fit in? I hope not. I need to take a stand. Who I am should be clear from my actions and what I choose to do here. It´s my chance to be me all the way.


I will admit it. I am homesick. I don´t necessarily want to come home but I somehow wish that more of home was here with me. That I didn´t feel so far away.



In other potentially happier and less weighty news, I have taken to wearing my hat in the house. It´s so so cold here-I can´t get over it. I think tomorrow I´ll try wearing double layered socks to try and warm up my feet. Honestly, it´s brutal. I know that I can exaggerate at times, but I am not exaggerating when I say that the house I am living in is like an igloo. Honestly, I am so envious of all those who are enjoying the comforts of some sort of heating system this month. Be so grateful that you have it.

This morning my shower was like bathing with ice water. It was unbelievable. I want to ask Feliciana if it is normally this cold but I don´t want to seem rude, as if I am saying "Wow, you don´t have hot water, what kind of house is this?" Í´m not sure...I was also considering asking if I could heat up some water in the microwave before I shower and just use that in combination with the tap water so it´s not so chilling but that could get kind of complicated. We´ll see. I just keep on hoping that I don´t get sick because that´s the last thing I need to happen.

We went on a tour of the city today to the Albaicin and had an excellent view of the Alhambra, even though there was a bit of fog. I definitely want to return to the little shops that were around that area-there were some neat looking bags and little things like that that could be neat to buy. I finally am starting to really piece this city together and know the names of streets and how they connect to each other. It´s cool. In case you are wondering, I live near Plaza Isabel la Catolica on Somosierra street. :) Not that it really matters but just FYI.

Tomorrow is the Alhambra and I think that should be pretty cool. It´s also Sunday which means that the next day is our placement test. I hope I can remember all the verb tense conjugations! I had my first paella today and it was quite delicious. :) I´m excited to have it again.


I miss Portland.